Fear And Loathing In The Hot Mexican Sun….


[I wrote this blog after my first trip ever to Cancun!  Needless to say I fell in love there, and with Cancun -- so I go back often!  Enjoy...]

Day 3 found me in the clutches of Lesbians, on the beach of Isla De Mujeres, across the ocean from Cancun – participating in a girl on girl wedding.  The sky opened up, and a monsoon rain poured down upon the Palapa that we were sheltered beneath.  Needless to say, we were getting a few strange looks from the locals on the island – but having taken advantage of the open bar early & often, I was clearly feeling no pain.  As I developed quite a taste for Tequila, the mariachi band just played louder to overcome the sound of the drenching downpour.

In addition to the booze that poured freely, I was also gorging myself on Guacamole, which I had eaten with every single meal since arriving in Mexico – as my personal remedy to ward off Montezuma’s revenge.  Some days my meals consisted of only Guacamole and chips.  Even though none of us had gotten sick yet, the signs above the bathrooms read, “Beware of Cholera!” – and “Do not flush your toilet paper!  Throw it in the corner!” – So I was taking no chances.  If I did become sick, I had enough doctors in just the reception of this wedding to staff my own hospital, including an actual Neurosurgeon.


I handed him a steak knife at one point in the night and said, “If I end up with a head injury tonight – Do the best you can for me, ok?”

He replied, “No problem…I will heal you” – while tossing back a shot of Tequila.

Days prior, Erin and I had flown down for a little fun in the sun on a direct flight from DIA, aboard my favorite airline – Frontier.  They continue to be my favorite, because they have direct TV on all their flights, and they don’t hassle me about my pre-noon boozing.  This time I even brought my own zip lock bag complete with tiny Jack Daniels bottles, so I wouldn’t go dry along the way.  The flying waitresses kept me stocked with Coke and Ice, and my flying experience was very enjoyable.

It was pointed out to us as we were boarding that Chloe the deer was riding with us (on our tail), which I’m sure is another of their ways to reassure you that you are not going to die.  Anytime I strap myself into a giant metal tube, and prepare to hurdle through the air at 550 miles per hour – It makes me feel just a little happier about the experience if there is an imaginary cartoon character riding with me on the back of said tube.  Something else that makes me feel better is a steady supply of booze, and “Survivor Man” on direct TV, and Madden football on my PSP, and my IPOD – So with enough distractions to keep me happy, we were in Mexico before I knew it.  I think Erin slept on my shoulder the entire way, except when they brought us the delectable wrap sandwiches.

Something about Mexico that you always forget between trips is that the cab drivers are about the worst in the world.  The rest of the drivers weren’t that great either.  I thought Las Vegas was bad, until I reached this land of 1 head lighted cop cars, where the drivers create their own lanes at 100+ miles per hour on city streets, and people won’t even move out of the way for a police car with sirens and lights flashing.  To complicate matters, there are giant buses cruising through town at 100+, and if you decide to pass them at the wrong time – you die.  I felt like I was in a video game.  The one great thing was that a half hour long cab ride only cost about $4 bucks.

After checking into the hotel, and getting our “all-inclusive” wrist bands, it became clear what the object of this game was:  Drink and Eat as much as humanly possible, to get your moneys worth.  The only catch was that “all-inclusive” does not really mean “all-inclusive”.  No steak, Lobster, or American brands of Whiskey, Vodka, Gin, etc.  So basically we were restricted to drinking Tequila and Mexican beer the whole time, and eating Mexican food – which wasn’t all bad.  We downed Margaritas and beers all night, and actually forgot to eat dinner the first night.  Whoops….  I hate when that happens.

As the night went on, it became clear that my grasp of the Spanish language was meager – but Erin’s was terrible.  She insisted on shouting at the waiters and bartenders in English, until they brought someone over that could understand – or until I, or someone else from our party translated for her.  A few days later, I would learn that the bulk of my Spanish vocabulary wasn’t Spanish at all, but rather a language Drunk Brian and I had invented between the 2 of us during Spanish class in high school.  For example, “La Ticketa” doesn’t mean “The Ticket”, but instead is just gibberish.

We spent the bulk of our time just laying on the beach, having “Jimmy”, the waiter, bring us drinks and snacks all day.  I remarked a couple of times how I’d like to have rented a jet ski or gone Para-sailing, but nothing was going to get me out of that lounge chair once I sat down and the margaritas started flowing.  It looked like it would have been fun to charter a boat and go sport-fishing like Hemingway, but it also looked like a lot of work – and I was there to relax!  I kicked back, and let the 95% humidity envelope my poor Colorado dried out skin like a wet blanket.  Every once and awhile one of the people staying at our hotel would stumble out onto the beach and vomit, or collapse unresponsive – but that only served to make the trip more entertaining.

All in all, Cancun was a tropical paradise – Where I wouldn’t mind living at least 1 month out of the year.  It really doesn’t hurt at all that you can fly there direct from Denver just about anytime you want for about $250 bucks, and the hotel rooms and booze are all very reasonable.  Even when we went downtown a couple of nights to try some of the local restaurants, we were pleasantly surprised when the bill came.  With policemen on the streets dressed in full body armor, and toting fully automatic M-16 rifles, it gave me a feeling of safety and security like no other place I have been.


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