[Note: We never returned as a club after this trip. We must have shaken the pillars of heaven too hard?]
(Myspace stripped my quotes and punctuation again — Sorry!)
I started to write a Trip Log / BLOG for the Vegas trip, but it got way too long (7 Days worth) So I decided to condense it into the key moments / quotes throughout the trip. There were 10 of us, and if you did something funny or memorable it should be mentioned below.
6pm: We arrive, check into the Four Queens and commence gambling and debauchery on Fremont Street.
10pm: Drunk Brian falls down drunk on the floor of Binions Horse Shoe, and as they prepare to throw him out He exclaims, Im a Doctor for Christ Sake And Ive had a bit much to drink!
12am: Drunk Brian stumbles up completely pissed drunk to the Baccarat table, where I am deep in a game with about 6 Asian guys who speak very little English. He almost falls down drunk onto the table and to lighten the mood I say, Hey Guys – You see this man here? My Pilot! A roar of laughter is then followed by questions for 2 hours such as, What type of plane do you have? and Where is it parked?
2am: We hit the craps table at Jackies place (The El Cortez) where I win a little, and then parlay by hitting a $450 jackpot on a slot machine on my way out the door. I am seen humping the machine in front of the filthy locals and yelling Jackie! You are too kind! This is too much Jackie!
4am-6am: Alcohol induced blackout
1pm: Breakfast at Golden Gate Bay City Diner. Prime Rib special for $5.99 + shrimp & crab cocktails for $.99 cents each, followed by 44 ounce Hurricanes from LaBayou filled to the brim with Bacardi 151
2pm-4pm: Wandering the strip with frozen cocktails in hand. The most popular one was called Y Tu Jack Daniels? An obvious play on Julius Caeser.
4pm: We get dressed and head to dinner at the Eiffel Tower restaurant at The Paris. I take things up a notch with my Nicole Miller Tux, Dior Shirt, and Lucky titanium cuff links. The ladies all look hot in little tight dresses.
5pm: At the restaurant, we immediately begin drinking Single Barrel Jack Daniels, which pushes Drunk Brian over the edge. He immediately starts pissing off everybody in our party with profane and crass talk at the dinner table. Princess Tanya is not amused. One Punch and I drunkenly pose for several pictures, which end up making us look like were at item. I feed her booze, and ponder hitting that ass later in the room But then I remember how difficult she is to find once she starts drinking.
7pm: I order a bottle of champagne for our table, and deliver a Frank Sinatra quote as my toast. Something about power, money, and friendship. It was very touching trust me.
8pm: After singing a rousing rendition of God Bless the USA at the Bellagio fountains — One Punch disappears into a sea of hobos on the strip and isnt heard from again for the rest of the night. The group gets fragmented somehow, and Drunk Brian and I end up back on Fremont Street, while Princess Tanya, Tina, SKG and LaLa all set out on random Craps playing endeavors. I hit the Baccarat table again, and this time everybody is asking my pilot what the range is on our Piper 227 and if it can fly to Hawaii or not. Brian just drunkenly nods and makes up ridiculous answers to their questions.
10pm-4am: Drunken blackout
?-?: On the way back up to the room at some point, Bridget squeezes onto an elevator full of asian people after saying, I can fit in here I was on here with 100 Asians earlier! I turn to SKG and ask, Did she? and he responds Yep Before I can even finish my question.
7am: A car alarm has been going off in the parking lot outside the window of our hotel room all night long. Drunk Brian springs to his feet, sticks his head out the window and starts screaming at the top of his lungs, Somebody turn that FUCKING car alarm OFF!!!!
10AM: The car alarm keeps going off, so we figure that we might as well all get up.
11AM: Another great breakfast at the Golden Gate, followed by lots of booze from LaBayou in collectors cups. You are supposed to save these cups so you can get cheap refills, but ours quickly become lost or discarded beneath Craps tables, and on the floor near bars, etc.
1PM: Everybody gets Henna tattoos on Fremont Street, and some shopping takes place.
1:30PM-5PM: Drunken Blackout
5PM: We get ready and go to the Greek Isles for the famous Rat Pack Tribute Show. Once again, I take things up a notch with a white Bogart style Dinner Jacket, all the guys have on suits, and the women have on little black dresses.
6PM: We eat dinner in Yannis restaurant at the GI And piss off all the waiters and the host with our crass drunken behavior. I take the head of the table, and raise toast after ridiculous toast.
8PM: The show kicks off, and we have a great time Ordering probably 20 cocktails each as the performance is going on. That waitress has never worked so hard!
10PM: After the show is over, we put on our own show in the GI Karaoke Lounge, where I get up, already looking wrecked in my Tux and do a drunken lounge singer version of Lucky Be A Lady by Sinatra. After my performance, Drunk Brian brings the house down almost literally with The Doors, BackDoor Man. He had security all over him while he was screaming on stage, and they eventually forced his Mic to be shut off. Talk about bullshit, so we marched out of there even though the waitress was giving a lot of compliments to us on the way out.
11:30PM: We walk into the filthiest punk dive in Vegas, the Double Down Saloon still dressed to the 9s but fitting in nicely. Drunk Brian jumps into the mosh pit almost immediately, where some guys immediately knock him on the ground and start stomping all over his suit. The rest of us watch from the bar, and order countless cocktails while talking to girls that look like Betty Paige.
Midnight-4AM: Drunken Blackout
12Noon: When we woke up on Day 4, our group was lighter by 2 members. SKG and One Punch had gone to the airport because they had to be home. The rest of us packed our bags and checked out of the hotel, opting to spend a couple days at the Palms.
2pm: We checked out bags into the Palms, but because the rooms were not yet ready We opted to lay by the pool for awhile. Id heard stories about The Palms swimming pool and how much hot ass there is walking around there, but I was sure they were grossly exaggerated. To say that I was pleased would be an understatement, as I found myself quickly surrounded by more silicone than I had ever seen. Every single girl at the pool looked like a model, porn star, or both And it was as if anybody ugly or overweight had been stopped on their way in. I was in Eden.
5pm: Our room is finally ready, so we check into it. Were happy to find that the Palms has the most comfortable beds ever, and really nice shampoo and lotion in the bathroom. Even the people who had to sleep on the floor said that the floor was nicer than the last place we stayed.
7pm: We split into 2 groups for dinner. 1 group goes to the Sushi bar, and I take the larger group to the Mexican restaurant. While eating on the patio there, which overlooks the pool We saw several celebs, weighed down with hookers and booze heading up to their rooms. I was pretty impressed.
9pm: I was pissed drunk and standing on the deck of the Ghost Bar, high atop the Palms enjoying both the view of Las Vegas, and the view of the hot barely legal ass that was surrounding me. This place was like a modern day Sodom and Gamora and I expected the fire and brimstone to rain down on me at any second. Angry Tim got stopped from coming up because he had on shorts, but after he ran to the room and threw on some pants even he joined us. There were numerous toasts, and strong cocktails inhaled and even a couple of Macanudo cigars smoked before we headed back down to the casino.
11pm: Completely wrecked, I sit at the Baccarat table with my sunglasses on and slurring my speech But still winning. The dealer asks me numerous times if its too bright in the casino or what, and I answer Yes every time. Tim sits across from me laughing, but also raking in the cash as I read the cards as if I have a crystal ball on the table.
2am: Midnight Snack in the 24/7 Café Where I order the Salmon Benedict. Princess Tanya has the cornflake crusted French Toast, and Drunk Brian just drinks straight whiskey I believe.
2am-5am: Drunken Blackout
1pm: Breakfast at the 24/7 Café
2pm-4pm: Pool time. We scoped out a better spot this time, and the music was even better than the first day As we kicked back and relaxed with some cold drinks. There were four categories of women at the pool, and it became quickly evident: 1). Blonde beach bunnies 2). Italian American Princesses 3). Redheads with Attitude 4). Milfs. The blondes and IAPs would stand up and walk slow laps around the pool every once and awhile to make sure everybody saw them But I didnt see a single guy approach them the whole time. Too god damn intimidating. There was one group of girls I nicknamed The Plastics (From the movie Mean Girls) because all 3 of them were wearing the same swim suit, with identical hair styles. I never saw so many pairs of $500 sun glasses, and designer swim suits in my life. We all took turns watching our pile of wallets (Under a T-Shirt) on one of the chairs, as some of us went out and hit the pool. At any given time, I calculated that there was probably $10,000 sitting on that chair under the T-Shirt but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
5pm: As the sun went down, so did we for a quick nap and shower Then back downstairs to the casino where we gambled our asses off to build more comps. I met our casino host in the VIP lounge, and arranged our limo for the next day before spending most of my night at the Baccarat table, and in the high limit lounge. Later in the evening, I would enjoy the various fireworks shows in the city from the full length window in our room and I would consume much Jack Daniels.
8pm-?: Gambling, Drinking, Carrousing
?-4am: Fun Tina, Princess Tanya, Drunk Brian and I broke off from the group and decided to hit a local strip club. We tried a new one called Seamless which was pretty unique. We started ordering bottles of Chardonnay as soon as we sat down (Dont ask me why!?!) which were called Carpe Diem Chardonnay. They were served with delicious snack tracks of stawberries, chocolate, and bowls full of cotton candy. Yes you read that right, cotton candy. Bri and I immediately got $100 each in $1 bills, and the girls shoved all of our loot up to the rail of the stage, and we spent the rest of the night throwing $1s at strippers, and force feeding them treats as they laid down on the stage in front of us and let us feed them by hand. The quote of the night was when I instructed Fun Tina to throw money at the girls because, Its more degrading that way!. On the way out of the club, there was a stripper in a giant martini glass, and Drunk Brian felt the need to start throwing handfuls of cash into her glass and shouting, You disgust me! We barely made it out the front door without getting into a fight with the Bouncers.
4am: We jump into a car headed back to the Palms and the driver immediately recognizes Drunk Brian and says, Arent you Elvis Costello? I didnt want to just come out and say it, but man Im a huge fan of yours. Drunk Brian begins to sing a drunken version of Veronica!
11AM: We woke up, packed up, and headed downstairs.
12NOON: We jump in our limo, bound for my parents house out in Pahrump and divert immediately to the Adult Super Store, which is like a WalMart for adult toys and gifts. We loaded up on porno and random must have items, and jumped back in the limo. Conveniently, there was a 20 inch plasma TV in the limo with a DVD player, so I put on a Jenna Jameson / Krystal Steal movie that we could enjoy on our ride While also taking over the stereo with my wireless IPOD connector.
12:30PM: We stop at a liquor store and load up on bottles of champagne, Hypnotic, beer, random booze, etc for our trip.
1PM: We stop at the Worlds Famous biker bar on top of the mountain pass between Vegas and Pahrump. The bikers all come outside when they see the limo pull up, and a couple of them even hold the door for us as we come inside to do a couple rounds of shots. Apparently the booze we had inside the limo just wasnt enough for us.
3PM: We arrive at my parents 4th of July party, where the temp is showing 105 on the back porch and the humidity is 3%. We almost immediately strip to our swimsuits and dive into the pool While Tim tends the grill, and Brian mixes up Pina Coladas in the blender.
6pm: After devouring Moms famous BBQ Brisket and other delectables, we catch a taxi down to a couple local casinos and proceed to lose money for a couple of hours. After that I magically hit 7 out of 8 numbers on a Keno ticket, and win $450 on a $.25 cent bet. I wished I had been betting more, but I was very happy with my win And it more than set me straight for the evening. After this we drank numerous cocktails at The Nugget bar.
8pm-Midnight: Drunken blackout
Midnight: We break up for an early nights sleep. I take the bed in the guest room, Tim and Bridget in the casino room, Brian on the couch, Tanya in a recliner, and Fun Tina on the laundry room floor.
1pm: On my last day in Pahrump, I awoke to Fun Tina and Princess Tanya doing jumping jacks on my bed. I guess they wanted me to wake up. We all started with pitchers of Pina Coladas, and then when the Rum ran out We switched to Margaritas. Then when the Margarita mix ran low, we switched to shots of Tequila and beer bongs. In between boozing, we ate left over BBQ and tanned/swam all day long until the sun went down behind the red mountains in the distance.
5pm: We wanted to make our last night in town memorable, so we loaded up a Taxi and headed up to Sheris Ranch Resort, which is the nicest brothel in the area. We headed into the bar there, and started ordering hard drinks and playing pool as the scantily clad whores drifted between our ranks, making small talk with each of us as they worked the room. One particularly nice young girl named Cheyenne stopped by our table, and ended up taking us on a tour of the facility. After our tour was over, she sat with us some more And then headed back to her room to rest between clients.
6pm: After she was out of sight, I turned to Drunk Brian and put a $100 dollar bill on the table in front of him, saying that Id throw in a C-Note if he would go back and hit that shit. Tim looked over with an interested gleam in his eyes, and put another C-Note out there. Princess Tanya threw in a 20, and Fun Tina threw in her last 6 bucks. Drunk Brian scopped up the $226 dollars off the table, and turned to us with a look that could only mean one thing. He knew what he had to do, and he was OK with it.
6:30PM: 30 minutes later, Drunk Brian would emerge from the back room with a smile on his face and being escorted by Cheyenne once more. She dropped him at our table, and then headed back to her room with another client. The girl worked fast.
6:35PM: I grabbed a booth, and all 6 of us piled into it as we pressed Drunk Brian to tell us everything. He started out with a sordid tale that began with a medical examination by the girl as soon as he got to her room. I guess they have to try to cut down the chance of catching some disease, so they go over your privates like a god damn doctor Which is a pretty big turn off. Then came the negotiation process, where the girl starts asking for $500 for a BJ and Drunk Brian responds that he only has $226 in his pocket. Finally they settled on a price of $375, his credit card was ran and the deed was done. Upon completion he said there was a rather uncomfortable moment where she sat a garbage can up on the bed, and threw him a handful of wet wipes to clean himself up. How degrading, he commented how degrading. It was obvious by this point that he felt like Drunk Clubs trick monkey.
8pm-Midnight: After leaving Sheris ranch, we headed down the street to a little casino on the way home. We hit some machines, drank some booze, and when Drunk Brian had to take a piss something strange happened. He was standing at the urinal when a complete stranger walked up to him and said, How was that whore you had at Sheris Ranch? They shared a laugh, and then he came out to regale us with the story about how that guy was down there also, apparently and the details would probably be all over town in a week. Good thing we were leaving the next day.
The final day started out uneventful. We packed, we ate Juevos Rancheros, and we prepared to board our limo. Our of nowhere, my Mom went out into the living room and asked Drunk Brian, in front of the group, how the hooker was at Sheris Ranch. There was a roar of laughter and Brian replied that she was OK. The limo showed up a short time after, and we piled in and headed to the Vegas airport. Another trip had come and gone before we knew it.
Along the way, I made a few random comments about how I had no idea how wed ever be able to improve on this trip or find anything to take it up a notch for next time. If I died today, I could go out a happy man And I accentuated the point by playing The Banditos song, Lets Go Down Together from my IPOD. Little did I know how prophetic these statements would be. As Billy Crystal says You should never utter things that sound like famous last words, because they could be.
We drank in the airport bar, ate some of Tanyas favorite Port Of Subs sandwiches, and boarded our MD-80 back towards Colorado Springs. As the plane lifted off from the runway, I immediately sensed high wind as I felt the pilot correcting a bit with the yoke as we were only a few feet off the ground. You could see the wings tipping back and forth as we gained altitude very slowly and it took a lot longer than usually to hear the familiar clank of the landing gear being raised.
Upon getting a few thousand feet into the air it was becoming apparently that the pilot was doing a lot of excessive steering, and we were starting to feel some turbulence. I was sandwiched between Princess Tanya (To my Left) and Fun Tina (To my right) as FT and I stared out the window at the clouds above. The Princess was doing her best to pretend like she was asleep, which is her usual maneuver on takeoffs Because thats the part that scares her the most. As the Turbulence started getting progressively worse, and the banking left and ring got a little more pronounced, I made the comment that this was not normal And I was wondering if the Captain was having steering problems from maybe a jammed rudder or stabilizer. (Its tough being so smart).
Just after making that statement We felt a few big bumps and bucks as the wings began to swing right and left more furiously and then they were followed by 2 huge drops of about 20 or 50 feet. This was obviously scary for a lot of people, because we could now hear pronounced screaming coming from the back of the cabin. I could also make out the faint sounds of sobbing and crying from all around, as people began reciting the Lords prayer and crying out for Jesus Christ.
Ive been in turbulence before, but nothing like this Where I could now see the frame of the plane bending and flexing as we road through the rough weather. The scariest point was when we heard an alarm sound in the cabin (beep-beep-beep-beep) like a siren and then we could hear metal buckling and bending above our heads. Later wed find out that this sound was from the plane being pelted with hail stones, but at the time we were sure that the plane was breaking up. The constant banking left and right didnt help either As we started wondering out loud how long it would be until we were completely upside down.
I had a death grip on Fun Tinas thigh, and she had a grip on the chair on next to her. I told Princess Tanya to grab my arm if she needed it, but her jaw was so clenched she couldnt speak. We rode it out together, just short of me breaking into my prepared speech about how it was a pleasure to go down together with such good friends. I was scared, but I was atleast comforted by the fact that I had made plans for my family to be taken care of in the event of my death And my kids would never have to work a day in their lives if they so chose.
The turbulence went away as quickly as it came on And the Captain came over the loud speaker to tell us not to worry and that we were through the worst of it for now. The cocktail cart would come out a few minutes later, where I would order 4 bottles of Jack Daniels And pound them in about 10 minutes. Fun Tina and Princess Tanya chugged Vodka as we all breathed deep, and made a pact that if we survived this flight Wed call our parents and tell them we loved them once we were safely on the ground.
It felt like our 90 minute flight took 5 hours as we dreaded the landing, and kept our spirits up But once we were on the ground, we kept our pact and gave each other a big hug and talked about how everything was going to feel better for us from now on. We were supposed to die up there, and somehow we came through it to survive another day. Nothing would hold us back, as we would live for each moment enjoy every second, and value each others friendship.
Now the only question is When do we go back?
On the way home from Vegas today, Princess Tanya, Fun Tina and I came about as close as you can to dying in a fiery plane crash. We’re talking about a near loss of control by the pilot, who was flying us directly into a hail and thunderstorm — And a plane that had it’s body pressed to it’s engineering limits so much that the airframe was buckling and popping as he struggled to keep it in the air — wagging the wings back and forth wildly during wild turbulence. You’ve never heard people scream and go into hysterics until you’ve been in a situation like this — And when I heard people around me breaking into the Lord’s Prayer, I knew my number had finally come up. Then, after 20 minutes of this pure hell — Things suddenly came back under control and the hysterics ceased. This wasn’t just the type of landing where you kiss the ground after getting off the plane. This was the type of landing where you call your mother to tell her that you love her, and that you are alive.
It’s going to take me a few days to put together the full Vegas blog — But I just wanted to throw this preview out first, because I am very happy to be alive today and I’m thankful for my friends and family. I looked the Grim Reaper in the face, and consider myself to be living on borrowed time at this point.
Tommorow morning, my breakfast is going to taste better than it has ever tasted.